The Leadership Habit That Drives Employees Away

Gitonga Riungu

Virtual Assistant (MBA)

February 3, 2026
4:55 pm

A Danish leadership consultant’s experience with “boomer-asking” highlights a growing generational divide in workplace communication styles. The phenomenon, where managers ask questions only to redirect conversations back to themselves, is creating frustration among younger employees and contributing to toxic work environments across Denmark.

When Good Intentions Lead to Employee Resignation

Ann Forup Helmich thought she was an empathetic and attentive leader. She regularly checked in with her team members, asking how projects were going and whether anyone needed support. However, when a younger employee began sharing concerns about a difficult project and an approaching deadline, Helmich quickly interrupted with her own similar experience and how she had solved it.

The employee became increasingly disengaged as Helmich continued talking. Not long after, the employee resigned. During their exit conversation, Helmich received what she calls a “wake-up call.” Her former employee explained that instead of feeling heard, she felt Helmich constantly inserted her own experiences rather than listening to different perspectives.

Understanding the Boomerang Effect

This experience introduced Helmich to the concept of “boomer-asking,” a term that has nothing to do with the Baby Boomer generation. Instead, it refers to a conversational pattern that acts like a boomerang, where someone asks a question only to redirect the conversation back to themselves rather than genuinely listening to the answer.

Helmich admits her behavior came from good intentions. As a leader focused on tempo and execution, she was often too quick to cut through discussions and offer her own solutions. Surprisingly, this approach that she believed demonstrated expertise and helpfulness actually undermined her team’s confidence and autonomy.

Research Reveals a Widespread Problem

The term “boomer-asking” was introduced in a research study from Harvard Business School last year. Researcher Alison Wood Brooks monitored conversations between individuals and conducted surveys about people’s experiences with this communication style.

The results show that 83 percent of people start by asking a question to make a good impression, rather than directly stating what they want to say about themselves. However, the effect is exactly the opposite. In fact, people tend to find those who ask questions only to talk about themselves less sincere and less likable.

Creating Toxic Work Environments

On the job, “boomer-asking” can contribute to creating a genuinely toxic work environment, according to Brooks. She describes the all-too-familiar bad boss who calls a meeting to request feedback on a topic, allows people to briefly share their opinions, only to spend most of the time explaining what he thinks instead.

This dissatisfaction also stems from a generational shift in preferred leadership styles. Karen Christina Spuur, a management consultant and former lecturer in leadership at CPH Business, explains that many experienced leaders were shaped by structures with clear hierarchies focused on performance. Meanwhile, younger generations increasingly demand a more democratic approach to creating solutions, which aligns with broader shifts in Danish work culture.

Helmich recognizes this paradigm shift firsthand. A new generation has entered the workforce expecting collaboration and co-determination that wasn’t common in previous workplace models.

Social Media Confirms the Scope

Evidence suggests Helmich isn’t alone in experiencing the clash between yesterday’s leadership and tomorrow’s employees. When she posted about “boomer-asking” on LinkedIn, the post generated over 300 comments. Additionally, many people wrote to her privately sharing their own experiences with the phenomenon, indicating it’s a more significant problem than many leaders realize.

Learning to Lead Differently

Since being confronted about her tendency to dominate conversations, Helmich has changed her approach. She’s no longer a manager herself but now works as a leadership consultant, helping other leaders avoid making the same mistakes she did.

Most leaders she talks with recognize the tendency to discuss their own experiences. It comes from a place of enthusiasm, but holding back and listening before jumping to solutions is essential for effective leadership.

Adapting Leadership to Individual Needs

According to Spuur, good leadership primarily involves assessing which type of employee you’re working with. Some employees prefer quick, direct solutions, while others want help shaping solutions themselves. This isn’t purely generational, either. You can easily find young employees with a “boomer” mentality and vice versa.

Given that workplace dynamics continue evolving, leaders need to develop flexibility in their communication styles. The key is recognizing when to share expertise and when to step back and truly listen.

Practicing Patience Daily

For Helmich, the curious conversational style hasn’t disappeared just because she’s no longer in a management role. She now tries to avoid “boomer-asking” in her personal life as well, taking time to genuinely listen to others.

She practices every day but acknowledges she’ll never be perfect at it. As someone who’s naturally impatient and becomes quickly enthusiastic, maintaining that patience is an ongoing challenge. Even though it’s difficult, she recognizes that adapting her communication style is necessary for building stronger professional and personal relationships.

The broader lesson for Danish workplaces is clear. As generational expectations shift and employees increasingly value psychological safety and democratic participation, leaders must evolve beyond directive communication styles. Asking questions should mean genuinely seeking to understand, not simply waiting for an opportunity to share your own perspective.